all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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