you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
