I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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