Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
