So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
