from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
