is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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