I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
