Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
