I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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