Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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