It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
