Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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