Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
