FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
