After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
