you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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