Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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