After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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