Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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