My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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