It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
