he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
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Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
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I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.