if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
