I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!