You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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