im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
