God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
