I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
