instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
