were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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