I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
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all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
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