Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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