What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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