I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
