i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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