the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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