I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
