I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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