Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Sorry about my life...
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
