Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
