My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
