what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
