my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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