if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
