I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
