Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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