I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
