he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
