he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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