I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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