apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
