why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize