I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
