Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
this beer tastes like vomit already
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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