I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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