My brain says no but my pants say off.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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