I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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