I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
