I'm so fucking centered right now
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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