I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
