I'm so fucking centered right now
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
