I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
