How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
