he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
